The Downside of FS Life

I know I've spent a lot of time expounding upon the perks and fun of Foreign Service life; but the truth is, it has its downsides too.  One of the major downsides is bereavement.

The State Department has a program Emergency Visitation Travel (EVT), 3 FAM 3740.  The good news is that if your parent or sibling dies and you cannot afford a plane ticket, the State Department will cover it, but the number or times it can be invoked is very low.  I want to stress that it's a great program, because it means that officers and spouses who are posted across the world  aren't left with making a decision whether to attend the funeral of a parent or sibling and having to put what could be a $10k plane ticket on their credit card or not being able to say goodbye at all.  Where one runs into problems with this program is if the officer or spouse has more than two parents.  It will only pay for two.  That means that most of us really want to save up those tickets for the time when you're going to be posted in the South Pacific and the fares are like $10k to get home.  That's when you're going to want and need State's help.

When my grandfather died, it wasn't a surprise.  Luckily, we were "only" posted in Ottawa; so the ticket wasn't as expensive as it could have been.  That said, my husband and I had to put about $1200 on our nearly maxed out credit card so that I could go to the funeral.  We'd absolutely do it again, but it was a huge financial burden on our family.  I also had to take advanced sick leave from my job, which would have been much easier if I hadn't already been "in the hole" due to a chronically-ill child.  It took the rest of our time in Ottawa for me to make it up, which meant I had to use advanced annual leave whenever my child was sick after that.  It was a never-ending cycle that put a serious strain on our little family during an already difficult time.

Bereavement is a very difficult process in the Foreign Service.  Sometimes, the officer and/or spouse can't afford the ticket; other times, he or she can't get the leave required to take the trip.  When we were in language training at FSI, my grandmother died.  Everyone knows you can't take any leave when you're in training; so I wasn't able to attend her funeral.  I never got to say goodbye or to be with my grieving family during that time; so I never was able to have that closure.

I'm facing the same thing right now.  My grandfather's sister died yesterday, and I won't be able to attend her funeral on Thursday.  She was a sweet, sweet lady who always took care of everyone in her entire family.  She visited my grandfather in the nursing home nearly every day while he was there; she took care of her brother for most of his adult life; she took care of her hearing-impaired husband for 60 years; and it goes on and on.  I really wish I could go an pay my last respects to her, but I won't be able to.  This is when life in the FS isn't what all it's cracked up to be.  Yet again, I won't be able to get that closure I need.  And this is just one case, one story.  There are thousands of us in this life who go through the same thing.  We don't have the money or don't have the childcare we'd need to be able to make it there.   Instead, we're half way around the world and looking for a way to send flowers and a card to say goodbye.  We have R&R in 11 days, and I am just going to miss it. I won't be able to be there and hold my grandmother's hand while she says goodbye to her sister-in-law, a woman who meant so much to her and my to my late grandfather. This is when life in the Foreign Service sucks.  This is when we're left with the guilt from our decisions to move so far away.