The Unknown

Trying to find your own way in life when you are a trailing spouse can be difficult and unsure much of the time.  I never know where we'll be going from one year to the next (like now), and planning for any type of job security can be impossible.  My life right now is completely uncertain:  where I'll be this time next year, what language I'll be speaking, where my kids will be going to school, how my kids will handle losing their Nana when we leave Canada, what our new house/apartment will be like, what kind of car we'll have or need (some places only allow right-hand drives), what kind of weather to expect, if there will be a job for me at the next place, if the kids will be able to adjust to a completely new life in a new place/culture, etc.  The list just goes on and on.  These "unknowns" are equal parts adrenaline and panic for me.  I've said before that I always feel the need to plan for the future or at least have an idea what to expect.   The next few months are completely out of my hands right now.  And add to that the fact that I am trying to get hired in my own right, which throws a wrench—a permanent wrench—into the whole equation.  It's a logistical nightmare, and it's the life I have chosen.  The hardest part right now is NOT being an officer/employee in my own right because I have absolutely no say-so in where we go or how to mold the process the way I want.  I have to leave everything up to my husband, which is hard for me.

However, I feel my heart race when I think about all of the possibilities, scary though they are.  Will it be Africa or Europe or even the south Pacific?  Only time will tell…but I wish it would hurry up.

Never Judge a Man Until You've Walked A Mile in His Shoes

Everybody judges everyone else; it's human nature.  We judge women's outfits and cleavage (or lack of it) and hair-dos.  We judge men on the kind of car they drive, the way they treat their women, and on what kind of job they have. Hey, we're all guilty of it.  But, just maybe, sometimes we need to look at the whole picture.  Not every book can be judged by its cover; and not every man, woman, or child SHOULD be judged for the basic surface elements.

Someone very close to me grew up under conditions that would make any "normal" person cringe to hear about: a childhood filled with drug addicts, beatings, neglect, and abuse.  When someone grows up that way, you not only expect them to grow up lawless, drug-addicted, and worthless (and with every right to do so considering how they were raised), but you're positive that's how they'll be.  Sometimes, though, those people find a way to become productive members of society: a good job, loving spouse, kids, etc.  But, I've recently learned, sometimes all of those things are just a sham.  In fact, sometimes, while they seem like they're the exact opposite of taking copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to numb/hide the pain of an unimaginable childhood; they're actually the way of hiding the pain--until the pain gets too deep.

This person I am speaking of grew up in a living hell but learned a trade, started a family, and did well for years.  Now, (s)he is just out of the hospital after a second suicide attempt, and I am watching as they fall into the abyss of what they know, rather than what they've created.  And it's easy for me to judge; it's so easy.  But I didn't grow up that way; in fact, I had the exact opposite:  parents that loved me and protected me, food every day, a safe home full of laughter.  And I keep telling myself that you can never judge a (wo)man until you've walked a mile in his/her shoes.

But I am so angry that this person, whom I love so much, is fighting the hard fight to eventually become a statistic.  If (s)he'd never done anything, never made it to start with, I wouldn't feel so angry and disappointed.    But, then again, who am I to judge?  Because I have never (and, hopefully, will never) walk a mile in those shoes.

And neither, hopefully, will you.