Love and Service in a COVID-19 World

I was prepared to leave my husband and children for a while, in order to gain a career, a pension, and a paycheck that we could actually grow to count on.  But I wasn't prepared for COVID-19.  Nobody was.  I started paying attention in January, when only some of the world was listening.  I credit movies like "Outbreak" and "The Rock" for giving me an early interest in virology and epidemiology; however, it's kind of unfortunate as well.  I understood rather early what might be coming.  So did my husband.  We decided to see each other as soon as possible, knowing it might be a very long time in between visits.  They visited me in D.C. in February, only four weeks after I left them in Budapest.  We'd planned to celebrate Easter in San Jose together to celebrate my oldest son's thirteenth birthday, but we were scared of buying tickets with numbers rising steadily like they were.   A couple of days before we were going to decide, the travel ban went into place; and, thus, I haven't seen my sons or my husband in over four months. 

It's hard to say--to admit--what a physical and emotional distance four months' absence can put on a family.  I watched, in near jealousy, other FS families go on Authorized Departure really early on in this pandemic (those affected, please excuse me).  I saw a dear friend reunited with her family after months apart, and I wanted it to be me.  But my husband and I decided that risking exposure to him and the kids during travel just wasn't worth it--as well as leaving our entire household behind in a game of "who knows when we'll see it again."  We chose the safer option, and we don't regret it.  But I do regret the distance.  We all do. 

Word came about two weeks ago that travel to the States from Hungary was opening up, and my husband decided it was time to jump.  I was in total agreement, because who knows when Europe will allow travel to the United States again, with numbers rising as they are?  And, judging by today's numbers and the international news, I'm glad my husband acted when he did.  They could have been "stuck" for months!  My guys boarded a plane a few days ago and returned to the States.  I'll join them in a few days in the mountains.  I'm on my ear to see my guys, but I have to finish out here in D.C. before I'm able to join them.  It makes me think of the (probably) hundreds of separated FS families during this time.  None of us can plan.  None of us know when we'll be able to travel to see our loved ones again.  No one knows if our children will get to physically go to school this coming year.  No one knows anything.

And, personally, for my family, if I go to Post in a month--as planned--while my husband and children wait in the States for permission to go to their Post and COVID-19 continues to ravage the United States, my family operates on the probability that these four months apart might have been a cake walk compared to what's to come.  And yet we serve.  And we hope to be reunited as soon as we can.  But we also know that we are just one of so many out there.  To those in this predicament, thank you for your service.  And may God bless the United States of America.  Because we're going to need it.

La Cuarantena

In one hour, it will be 40 days since I went into a self-imposed social distancing/quarantine.  It's 40 days since I hung out with my amazing friends, 40 days since I've had a life at all, so to speak of.  I want to say that I entered into this absolutely willingly.  I did not wait for the governor of Virginia to put me into lockdown.  I did not wait for a Federal declaration.  No, I waited for science, the World Health Organization, and the Centers for Disease Control to tell me it was time.  I've always been interested in viruses and diseases.  In fact, I blame "Outbreak" for my rudimentary interest in microbiology and virology for that. I saw the writing on the wall in January/February.  My husband and children came to visit me on Valentine's Day, but we knew our time was limited.  We'd planned early on to meet at my first post in San Jose, Costa Rica; however, we knew well in advance that it wasn't feasible with COVID-19's plans.  We waited as long as we could to buy plane tickets and then decided it was useless.  The writing was on the wall in February, and we just got lucky.

Look, I am not here to judge; and I am not here to dictate.  But I am a semi-intelligent and learned woman.  And I can decipher what they're saying on the various news stations.  As a career, I've chosen to try (my best) to be as apolitical as possible as a requirement for my lifestyle.  I don't want to preach.  I truly don't.  I want to live in a world where people are free to do whatever it is they want to do.  But, right now, we need to stay the hell home.  Those who are calling the shots right now are calling for us to reopen--full stop--in order to prevent our economy from collapsing.  I understand where they're coming from.  I do.  But I also know that our economy is already collapsing.  In fact, it's already collapsed. History has already shown us how this will play out.  The second wave is waiting in the wings for us to let our guard down and re-open.  Tennessee and Georgia will see this come to pass two weeks from Friday, when they re-open. 

Our people need to realize and recognize that the whole world is changing.  The whole world will change in the next few weeks.  There is no way to  way to circumvent this.  COVID-19 has seen to that. 

My closing thought/point I want to get across is this:  If everyone else had realized 40 days ago that all we had to do to change the outcome of the entire world was just to stay home, our world would be an entirely different place. 

From a personal viewpoint:  Stay TF home.  Because if you don't, the world will never be safe enough for me to hold my husband and children again.

Lamentations on COVID-19

I think the hardest thing about being in quarantine/implementing social distancing is the fact that I am a hands-on person.  I don't mean that in a creepy way, to be clear.  But I am hand shaker, a hugger, a shoulder tapper, and a face-to-face kind of person. 

I want to be clear and say that it could be so much worse for me right now (knock on wood).  I am still earning a paycheck.  I am living in an apartment that is paid for.  I have more than enough food to survive.  I have made dear friends here who check on me every day (in a socially distant way of course).  My mother, my husband, and my in-laws check in with me daily, as do my amazing children.  But I miss "touching" people.  There's no way to say/write that without it not being creepy, is there? 

I miss hugs and pats and even European-style cheek kisses among friends, which I always seemed to do  backwards, and which made it awkward.  I haven't touched another human being in 37 days, and then it was only a shoulder touching a shoulder during a drive.  To be honest, it's been over 40 days; because, by the end of FACT training, no one was sitting near anyone else. 

Now, hugging my husband and children is another matter.  I last kissed and hugged my husband and children 57 days ago.  I missed my first born's 13th birthday today, which is just a cruel "f*ck you" from Mother Nature, as far as I am concerned.  The long and short of it is, my family is going to be fine.  My children are a Foreign Service poster child(ren) for "resilience."  My marriage is stronger than ever.  But my tactile sense of self is so, so lonely in all of this.  I feel like Southern women around the world are seriously suffering from  COVID-19's societal requirements right now.  We are not okay. 

I only give thanks that my husband brought my little dog to me when I last saw my family.  I don't know what I would do without having her to hold.  That said, I am starting to feel like Lennny in "Of Mice and Men," when I hold her.  I just keep telling myself not to squeeze her too hard.

It's The End of the World As We Know It

It’s already Easter in Budapest, and it’s now 50 days since I have seen my husband and children. We were supposed to be together in San Jose to celebrate Good Friday and the rest of Spring Break, but a global pandemic had its own agenda. I keep reliving my decisions and alternating between regret and grief. If I had deferred my entry into the Foreign Service, I would still be in Budapest with my husband and children, a choice and a consequence that I battle with every single day lately. Leaving my family was not something I ever wanted to do. I never wanted to spend a moment without any of them. The choice to leave was not one of convenience or fun or even ambition, to be honest. I made the decision with my family, to try and better our circumstances and our future. We knew going in that there was a chance--even a probability--that we would not be posted together at first. But the fact that our family could benefit from two full-time salaries and, eventually, two government pensions was a big carrot. Also, the fact that my entire adult, professional life has been based upon my spouse’s position (and whether or not there were jobs available at Post) was something that grated on all of us. We were all suffering from hiring freezes, years without open positions for me, and waiting for the day when I wouldn’t just be the “trailing spouse.” But no one could have imagined where we’d find ourselves just three months later.

The world has changed forever due to COVID-19. My children are learning by wi-fi. My husband is spending nearly every waking hour as father and mother, teacher, diplomat, and friend in a huge, empty house on a hill an ocean away from me. I spend my days completing online classes and alternating between exercise, wine, and fear. We have no idea when we will see each other again. We have no idea how long it will be until this will end. We wonder. We regret (or maybe it’s just me). We keep in touch via video chat, which I am so, so grateful for. I wonder if we’ll ever be the same again once this is over, and I hope my kids won’t hold it against me.

I haven’t touched another human in thirty days, at least (the last I remember is touching shoulders with a colleague on the bus during our FACT training week). I haven’t hugged or kissed a person in fifty days. And I don’t know when I will again. My job is such that I am stuck here in Arlington, the next COVID-19 hotspot according to CDC projections. My only goal at this moment is to stay healthy and to stay alive so that I can hold my husband and my children again one day--no matter how long it takes. I will do the time, and so will they.