When Going Home Doesn't Quite Feel Like Home Anymore

     My little family and I have been back from the States for a couple of weeks now.  We were on one of the three "R&R" trips back home that the State Department will pay for during our three-year tour in Albania.  To be clear, not all FS officers and families get an R&R during every posting; it depends on which country they're posted to.  The bigger the "hardship," within the host country, the more frequent the R&R trips.

     Going back "home" is always a bit strange, to be honest.  Things are always just a little bit different than when we left.  This trip, my husband and I were lucky enough to fit visits to both of our home states in.  We planned our trip around Mardi Gras, and the hubby and I were lucky enough to take full advantage of it.  Going back to South Louisiana after about a year and a half away was like walking back in time.  So many things were exactly like they were when I left:  my toy room, my town, the laissez faire of the South Louisiana people.  But so many things were different too.  There were new buildings and businesses, while other staples from my childhood were shuttered down and boarded up.  It's so strange to go "home" and realize that the whole world's gone on without you.  Don't get me wrong; I don't expect the world to stop turning because I left (HA!).  But it is does take a while to wrap one's mind around the fact that because you might be "from" a place doesn't mean you're still part of it.  Your home is a part of you, but it keeps on moving and changing after you're gone.  People get older, they change, and even move away too; and I realized while I was there that there is a selfish part of me that just expected everything to stay the same. 

      The first blog entry I ever wrote was about my hometown, and I wrote about this little convenience store that was just the heart of it.  It was closed after being damaged by Hurricane Gustav a few years ago.  Each and every time I pass it, I feel a little cringe of sadness that I'll never "smell like the Gator Stop" again.  I also got sad that the only restaurant in town happened to be closed every time I went by it.  Who knows if it was closed because it was Mardi Gras or if it's closed down for good.  Everything in that town has its quirks when I think about it.  The restaurant, Politz, was the busiest place in town on Friday nights.  The same woman waited tables there during my entire childhood, and there was an alligator that lived in the bayou waters behind it.  I don't think I ever saw that alligator, but everyone swore it lived there.  Okay, moving on.

    Don't get me wrong.  It's not like I spent the entire time I was in South Louisiana sad.  It was quite the opposite, but I want to stress the fact that "home" isn't always going to feel like "home" once you've been gone a while.

I hope to write a bit more about our trip at a later date; I just wanted to get these thoughts down.  

The Downside of FS Life

I know I've spent a lot of time expounding upon the perks and fun of Foreign Service life; but the truth is, it has its downsides too.  One of the major downsides is bereavement.

The State Department has a program Emergency Visitation Travel (EVT), 3 FAM 3740.  The good news is that if your parent or sibling dies and you cannot afford a plane ticket, the State Department will cover it, but the number or times it can be invoked is very low.  I want to stress that it's a great program, because it means that officers and spouses who are posted across the world  aren't left with making a decision whether to attend the funeral of a parent or sibling and having to put what could be a $10k plane ticket on their credit card or not being able to say goodbye at all.  Where one runs into problems with this program is if the officer or spouse has more than two parents.  It will only pay for two.  That means that most of us really want to save up those tickets for the time when you're going to be posted in the South Pacific and the fares are like $10k to get home.  That's when you're going to want and need State's help.

When my grandfather died, it wasn't a surprise.  Luckily, we were "only" posted in Ottawa; so the ticket wasn't as expensive as it could have been.  That said, my husband and I had to put about $1200 on our nearly maxed out credit card so that I could go to the funeral.  We'd absolutely do it again, but it was a huge financial burden on our family.  I also had to take advanced sick leave from my job, which would have been much easier if I hadn't already been "in the hole" due to a chronically-ill child.  It took the rest of our time in Ottawa for me to make it up, which meant I had to use advanced annual leave whenever my child was sick after that.  It was a never-ending cycle that put a serious strain on our little family during an already difficult time.

Bereavement is a very difficult process in the Foreign Service.  Sometimes, the officer and/or spouse can't afford the ticket; other times, he or she can't get the leave required to take the trip.  When we were in language training at FSI, my grandmother died.  Everyone knows you can't take any leave when you're in training; so I wasn't able to attend her funeral.  I never got to say goodbye or to be with my grieving family during that time; so I never was able to have that closure.

I'm facing the same thing right now.  My grandfather's sister died yesterday, and I won't be able to attend her funeral on Thursday.  She was a sweet, sweet lady who always took care of everyone in her entire family.  She visited my grandfather in the nursing home nearly every day while he was there; she took care of her brother for most of his adult life; she took care of her hearing-impaired husband for 60 years; and it goes on and on.  I really wish I could go an pay my last respects to her, but I won't be able to.  This is when life in the FS isn't what all it's cracked up to be.  Yet again, I won't be able to get that closure I need.  And this is just one case, one story.  There are thousands of us in this life who go through the same thing.  We don't have the money or don't have the childcare we'd need to be able to make it there.   Instead, we're half way around the world and looking for a way to send flowers and a card to say goodbye.  We have R&R in 11 days, and I am just going to miss it. I won't be able to be there and hold my grandmother's hand while she says goodbye to her sister-in-law, a woman who meant so much to her and my to my late grandfather. This is when life in the Foreign Service sucks.  This is when we're left with the guilt from our decisions to move so far away.

Louisiana Names Never Sound Like They're Spelled

Louisiana is a place all its own.  I was just laughing to myself about Louisiana surnames, street names, and city names.  They almost never sound like they're spelled.  I remember finding it so funny when visitors and tourists would try to pronounce them; heck, even I got it wrong once in a while!

For instance:
Gilbert                  pronounced "Joe Bear"
Hebert                  pronounced "Ay Bear"
Herbert                also pronounced "Ay Bear"
Gaubert                pronounced "Go Bear"
LeBlanc                pronounced "Lu Blan"
Thibodaux             pronounced "Tib u Doe"
Houma                  pronounced "Home Uh"
Boudreaux             pronounced "Boo Droe"
Thibaut                  pronounced "Tee Bo"
Tchoupitoulas        pronounced "Chop It Tool Us"
Simoneaux            pronounced "Sim Uh No"
Richard                 pronounced "Re Shard"
Lafourche              pronounced "Lu Foosh"

Now, there are many, many more than I've included here; but it's been so long since I've been home that my memory is foggy.

I love how unique South Louisiana is.  I love the "ma'ams" and "sirs" you get from people your own age when you go the store.  I love introductory conversations revolving around, "Who's your family?"  I absolutely miss hearing the never-ending "y'alls" and questions of "you gonna get down?"  If you don't grow up there, most people have no idea that, "you gonna get down?" means, "Are you going to get out of the car and go in?"  Yes, Louisiana is such a fun, vibrant place.

Don't Flush Your Toilet Paper

I thought the major news story about the fact that you can't flush your toilet paper in Sochi during the Olympics to be hilarious.  We couldn't flush our toilet paper the entire time we were in Ecuador.  All of our bathroom garbage cans had lids for "discretion," and it was always funny to watch our visitors' faces when we told them about the "rule."  I guess that's one of the things we take for granted when we live in a "First World Country" and one of the many things we have to learn to deal with when we live and travel abroad.  Yes, it's disgusting and unhygienic; it's just one of those "things" one has to get used to in this life.

I remember kind of rolling my eyes when our sponsors told us about the rule.  We didn't listen, of course.  We figured we lived in a house with marble floors and a pool; what could be more telling than that?  After about three months, the plumbing started to clog; and the smell from the sewer grate right outside our house got rancid.  We took the hint.  Another "hint" that our sponsors gave us--and we promptly blew off--was to always have toilet paper on us.  See, I don't remember seeing a public toilet in all of Ecuador that either had an actual toilet seat or that contained toilet paper.  Sure, oftentimes, there were pay dispensers on the wall.  And you did get a good bit for the nickel you had to pay to buy it.  But how many times out of ten do you actually have a nickel--not five pennies or a dime or a quarter, but a nickel--when you really need one?  Let's just say that I was lucky our oldest son was still in diapers.  We never carried T.P., but we ALWAYS had baby wipes!  Let me also say that trying to "squat" over a seat-less toilet while massively pregnant with my second son was a very...difficult and unpleasant experience.  Okay, so enough toilet humor; but I will say that when moving to a foreign country, always carry T.P.

I've probably written before about the "line" issue in foreign countries.  FYI, Americans: most foreign countries done "do" lines.  Actually, most of them don't do what we like to call "personal space" either.  As someone who was raised in the South, this was absolutely a difficult thing for me to get used to.  Southerners by tradition are very manner-conscious, and we don't like to jump in front of people (or knock them completely out of the way like I've seen other places), and we try to always make sure that the people who were there first actually get to go first.  Not so in Ecuador or in Albania.  I used to take it personally, thinking that if I just knew how to say "such and such" in whatever the local language was, that I'd be able to voice my displeasure.  I thought I was getting pushed around and that people were jumping ahead of me because I was a foreigner.  Well, that's just not so.  They jump in front of everyone, even little old ladies who've been waiting forever.

Albania is funny for that.  I think everyone who reads my blog knows that I love it here; so I will speak freely and hope that everyone realizes that I do not mean to offend the Albanian people in any way.  In Albania, both older people and children are shown great respect.  It's not uncommon at all for people to greet each other as "Zoti" or "Zonya," the English equivalent of "sir" or "ma'am."  They might tip their hat to an older person and then just jump in front of them when paying in the line.  There's no malice intended; it's just how it's done.  Someone explained to me that traffic and lines/crowds in Albania are like running water.  If there is a space to fill up--no matter how small--people are going to fill it up.  This includes, but is not limited to, jumping in line when you've got one foot of space between yourself and the person in front of you and cutting through two lanes of traffic so they can get in front of you, even if there's a parked bus on the shoulder of the road they have to pull behind.  Traffic circles work much the same way.  People don't really yield or move with the turn; rather, they just drive straight across it until their turn comes.  Once you realize that's how it's "done" here, driving becomes a lot less scary and intimidating.  I guess you have to see it to believe it.

Another thing I had to get used to is that there's no just walking up to the salesperson in a store or shop and asking a question.  There's always a greeting that must take place, or the person asking the question is seen as rude.  I still forget this one and get embarrassed when I do.   I have not been able to pick up the "mire" cultural dance that I see everyone having.  "Mire" (rhymes with deer) in Albanian means "good" or "well."  Whenever people meet up in the street or in a store, they do what I call the "mire dance."  It basically boils down to a conversation like this:
Person #1: Hi! How are you?
Person #2: Good. You?
Person #1: Good.  How is everything? Good?
Person #2: Good, good.  And how is everything with you? Good?
Person#1: Good.  How is your family? Good?
Person #2: Good, good.  And your family is good?
Person #1: Good.  They are good.
Person #2: Good. Have a good day!
Person #1: Have a good day!

And so it goes, on and on and on.  But, to an American, all we ever here is "mire, mire mire."

I love the little cultural quirks that different places have; of course, sometimes I hate them too.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  Each posting is what you make of it.  If you're ready to get mad at everything like I was on my first posting, you're going to find yourself unhappy.  If you're willing to brush things off, you'll be okay.  Just know that almost EVERYTHING is different, not just the language and the food or the way people dress.  Nothing is going to be the same, but that doesn't mean that we can't enjoy it.  And what we need to remember is that we are but guests in their country.  It's our job to change to fit in with their culture, not their job to change to fit in with ours.  And remember to carry toilet paper.

Foreign Service Super Bowl Parties

You know, after seven+ years of FS life, I am no longer surprised by what people and families abroad will go through to be able to live and celebrate like regular Americans do.  I am, however, always impressed by lengths which our Foreign Service families will go to to participate in something as quintessentially American as the Super Bowl.  Now, I'll be honest and tell you that the Super Bowl doesn't mean much to me.  I've never been much of a sports fan personally, but the Super Bowl party tradition is something I can really appreciate.

Now, I'm not up on marketing statistics or where franchises of international restaurants are located; but let's suffice it to say that I'm pretty sure the majority of countries where our FS families are posted do not have Papa John's Pizza or Domino's or even Frank's Hot Sauce. But people in the Foreign Service are nothing if not resourceful!  For those who are in countries where they don't get a Consumables Shipment (a ready-made pantry of wonderful, American favorites that they pay in advance for and have shipped to post), it can be really difficult to recreate Super Bowl standards like: chili, Buffalo wings, nachos, sliders, etc.  There are a lot of novice chefs out there who try variation after variation of spices and sauces while using completely different and/or foreign ingredients just to attempt to replicate a family or cultural favorite.  Some of us will buy/barter/beg for certain things within our respective communities.  I know when I moved here, getting a can of black beans felt like winning the lottery!

 Most of us are on different time zones--some twelve or more hours difference than Central Standard Time--and, therefore, go to great lengths (and sometimes hardships) to be able to watch the game.  Here in Albania, for instance, one officer had a party that STARTED at midnight!  Of course, some people had to go to work this morning; and some were able to take the day off.  I asked people people on the FS Facebook page to share some of their stories, and here are the ones I've gotten so far:

The CLO (me) had a coffee and donuts Super Bowl party at their house, and we watched the first hour of the game before everyone had to go to work for 7:30 a.m.

In SE Asia (~12-hour time difference) I remember we hosted a few Super Bowl breakfasts at the DCR.

Super Bowl aired here in Baghdad at 2:30am - Although I was definitely asleep at that time, I know a lot of offices organized 'Super Bowl breakfast parties' for last night, and the American Club/Baghdaddy's (the only bar/restaurant on compound) had a party with the game on projector for anyone on the compound to watch! Also, since we can't really leave the compound for grocery shopping, I know a lot of people crowd-sourced ingredients to try and make some typical Super-Bowl Sunday food fare.

 I have no interest in the SB! But my sons do, so I told them they could set their alarms for 1:30 and get up to watch here in Amman. They did. They are home from school today, and hopefully when they wake up, they will clean up their chips/salsa and hot cocoa mess.

We stayed up in Ouagadougou and broke out some chips and rationed salsa! Went to bed at 1am when we realized it wasn't going to be much of a game and we had to get up in 4 hrs to get the kids to school!!

Blast from the past. When we were in Guatemala ('98-'00) we all got together for a Super Bowl party. We were blessed there, not a huge time difference (from US east coast) & Guate had pirated TV from Denver, so it was like watching TV in the States but since we were Americans & the Guatemalan Government was not always happy with us, when it got to be the 4th quarter...they shut down the programming. We never got to see the end. BTW, they did the same thing when it was Oscar time...we had a big party, and when the much awaited big awards came up...bam...programming was shut down. And thus their government figured out how to piss off the Americans...take away their big TV time. Sigh...we can chuckle about it now...sort of, I'm still a bit ticked over it. LOL

We flew all day from GDL to Oregon (with a 6 year old.. easy, and a 9 month old.. not easy) so hubby could do it up with family. That's ok though, I made him go to Target and Babies R Us first. 

Foreign Service Spouses

Most people don't understand how impressive and how integral a part of this lifestyle Foreign Service spouses are.  Honestly, I take it for granted too.  So many of these people--more often than not they are women--give up so much to take this on.  From what I've seen, I am more the exception than the rule.  I never had a career of my own.  I was so young when my husband joined the FS, that I'd never had the time to build my own life outside the home.  I was in Stenography school when we met and married; and, regrettably, I never finished.  Most of the time, I'm not sure if that's been a hindrance or a gift.  I never knew what it was like to leave a career and a life I loved so that I could be a "trailing spouse."  Rather, I decided that I'd build my own life around my husband's job.  So far, that's worked just fine for us; but there are many people who are in a very different boat.

 Now, the State Department has jobs for what they call "Tandem Couples," where both spouses are FS officers.  They work together (usually in different sections of a consulate or embassy), they bid for jobs together, and they may or may not end up in the same postings together.  There are many of these couples who spend months or years apart so that they can both be working at the same time.  Now, to be fair, I want to say that State does do its best to post tandem couples together; however, nothing is ever guaranteed.  Many of my friends are successful tandem couples, and the system has worked well for them in almost all of their tours.  That said, I know many couples who WANT to be tandems but one spouse hasn't passed the written or oral tests to get in.  That can be very frustrating for both the couple and the ambitiously unemployed spouse.  I took the written test and (barely) passed it; however, I was not invited to the orals.  While frustrating for me personally, I decided that I didn't want to apply again yet, as being separated from my husband for any length of time would be unacceptable for me.  Basically, I didn't want to take the chance.  That said, what works for me doesn't necessarily work for everyone else; and the State Department knows that.  

The State Department has some wonderful programs for spouses.  There are jobs that are designated just for us, and we're able to obtain competitive salaries, full benefits, and even retirement through most of them.  I recently learned about another program, EPAP (Expanded Professional Associates Program), that helps spouses with advanced degrees find jobs within the State Department.  These jobs are few in number but seem to be quite high in both pay and, honestly, respect.  I went to an information session about the program a few days ago, and I must say that I was quite impressed by my peers.  In this particular meeting, all of the attendees were women; so I will be speaking entirely about female spouses for the rest of this blog entry. 

Those women were so impressive!  When we are all asked about our skills and degrees, I was astounded by the number of women who hold Masters Degrees, those who have worked for NGOs, and by those who have just fought for years to be treated as equals to their spouses.  Many of these women worked in NGOs before they were married; some of these women found jobs with NGOs in their country of residence during an overseas posting.  Many of these women had real careers that they loved--often paying them six-figure salaries--but quit to follow their husbands' dreams.  These women are an almost untapped resource, a wealth of knowledge and diversity; and many of them are from other countries around the world.  These women speak multiple languages (I'm talking three or more) and have had experiences one can only dream of.  I followed my husband so that I could have these experiences with him, but I find it fascinating that so many of my peers had them on their own and through their own doing.  I'm proud of these women.  I'm proud that our officers are married to them.

So let's talk for a minute about what the life of a FS spouse consists of, shall we?  I read a former trailing spouse's blog entry the other day, and it inspired me to write this entry.  I may repeat much of most of what this woman states, but I'll say it anyway.  Here it is: http://cheeseweb.eu/2014/01/7-guilty-secrets-trailing-spouses/ .  Just as an aside, I will be describing things I've done and things I've heard from other spouses.  

FS spouses, both employed within their posts and the unemployed, have very difficult jobs.  Sure, many of us have household help.  In fact, my husband and I had a full-time staff when we lived in Ecuador.  That is an absolute perk of living overseas in countries where it's affordable.  I know many FS families with cooks, drivers, maids, and nannies; but even with all that, our "jobs" can be very difficult.  These "jobs" also vary not only from post to post, but they also vary according to the spouse's rank of importance within the mission.  I've known spouses that had full-time jobs in an embassy who would then have to go home and have dinner parties for high-ranking foreign officials.  While this is indeed impressive, it's also a lot of work! 

I think the most stressful times for FS spouses are the time periods between bidding and three to six months after arriving at the new posting.  When we got the bid list in Canada, I immediately started a spreadsheet.  We wanted a place with: affordable household help, somewhere safe for the kids, good housing, potential job opportunities for me, ability to travel often and to afford it, somewhere with a bit of a hardship differential (which means more money b/c it's not an "easy" place to live for the typical American), a good post size, good weather, etc.  Well, I looked up all of that information for each country we were interested in going to; and I presented it to my husband.  We went over everything, weighing the good against the bad, and decided on Albania.  The choice wasn't easy, I'll admit.  There was one place that was on an island in the Pacific that was like a 35% hardship differential, a Cost of Living Adjustment (COLA) that was high, and it offered an SND package (more money for agreeing to stay for a third year).  We thought long and hard about accepting an offer at that post, but I was the one who chickened out at the last minute.  I was afraid it'd be "too hard" for us.  Granted, we could have stayed three years and bought a house the minute we left; however, I was just not in favor of being so far away from my family and having my kids on anti-malarial medication  for three years.  But, now that it's all said and done, we absolutely made the right choice.  Albania is a perfect fit for our family, and we couldn't be happier here.  So we decided to BID on Albania, but it doesn't mean they had to hire my husband.  He lobbied long and hard for his position, and we were thrilled that it was a good fit.

Next came preparing for the move.  If a spouse wants to take language, they have to contact the department and ask for it.  Language is given if a FS officer doesn't need the spot.  Some spouses get lucky, and other ones wind up with zero language.  The scheduling is done months in advance.  I put my name on the list for Albanian about eight months before we even left Canada.    Again, I got lucky that an officer didn't need my spot, and I was able to get about four months of an eleven month course.  

Spouses are almost always in charge of moves because the officer is so busy getting his or her outgoing stuff done at work.  I mean, you can just clear out your desk and call it a day.  There are courtesy calls to make to contacts, numerous forms to fill out, one's actual JOB to do, etc.  So the spouse is usually at home preparing the family for the move.  Congress has a mandated "Home Leave" program, where officers and their families must return to the U.S. for a certain amount of work days in between postings.  The packing involved is horrendous.  One has to take many things into consideration: the difference in weather between home leave and next posting to pack clothes; any pets and where they're going to stay; toys for the kids (it takes weeks and/or months to get your Household Effects to a new post); shipping one's car; vaccines needed for post; medical clearance updates; copies of health records, school records, spouse's employment records; passport photos for foreign I.D.s; visas for post country; civilian and diplomatic passports;what goes into storage for two or three years vs. what follows you to post; giving away toys and clothes the kids will outgrow between home leave, training, and arrival at post; etc.  

The logistics are endless, and you are pretty much on your own.  Movers show up ready to work; and you better have your suitcases packed for home leave and piles in different rooms for storage, household effects for the next post, and your 700 or so pounds of UAB (unaccompanied baggage) separated.  I can't tell you how many of our things are in storage now that I wanted to have in Albania.  I can't tell you how many things we had to give away, donate, and/or sell after our year in training b/c we were "overweight."  Our whole lives revolve around how much our goods weigh.  That's why I stopped buying books and use a Kindle.  

You'd like to think that once the "move" is over, the spouse's job is done.  Yeah, we wish!  Next, comes school enrollment, unpacking, setting up house, starting over from scratch in a pantry and fridge, networking, learning the language, learning one's way around, learning "how it's done" wherever you are, making friends, adjusting everyone to jet lag, setting up cable and/or internet, learning how to dial the embassy, learning about the security situation at post, getting the kids settled, getting checked into the health unit, dealing with culture shock, and dealing with new currencies.  The spouses are at home doing all of this, while the officer walks into a ready-made position, office, community, etc.  That is the easy part.  Then, they get to come home to chaos.  

Now, all of the things I've mentioned above are the "norm."  This is what a spouse in a happy marriage and normal, everyday kids deals with and who is happy to be at  a particular posting.  Some FS families have unhappy marriages, kids with special needs, and/or dislike where they've been assigned; so they have to deal with many more hardships than someone like me would have.   A good friend of mine had to deal with cholera in the water at one of her posts.  Try bathing a baby safely while dealing with that!  It can always be worse.  It can always be better.

Do we all know what we signed up for?  Yes.  Did most of us realize what we signed up for? Absolutely not.  All I knew was that I wanted to travel the world and get paid to do it and that I was lucky enough to  marry a man who wanted the same things.  Did I realize it would entail all this work?  Nope.  Did I realize that I would have to do all of the above every two or three years and find a way to keep my family happy?  No.  Did I realize that I'd have to keep a constant wardrobe of suits, ball gowns, and cocktail dresses with matching shoes and jewelry ready at all times?  No.  But am I sorry?  No.  Do I regret any of it? No.  Do I dislike some of it?  Yes.  Everyone does.  It is what you make of it.  

We FS spouses are amazing and prepared for almost anything.  Sometimes, we get what we signed up for; sometimes--oftentimes--we don't.  It is what you make of it, and you get what you put in to it.  I am a very proud and happy FS wife.  I am currently and, regrettably, unemployed.  I am, in essence, a housewife in a foreign country.  I have a housekeeper twice a week and a babysitter whenever we want to go out.  At present, we live paycheck to paycheck; but it's always getting better.  It is not all cocktail parties and nightlife; but it isn't all doom and gloom either.  I'm proud of my fellow trailing spouses.  As far as I'm concerned, we are an integral part of the FS community.  We made our choices, and most of us are very happy with them.  I've met a head of state, the current Secretary of State, Ambassadors, Senators, a former 4-star General, etc.  I've had a lot of fun.  That said, I am not Jackie Kennedy; and I am not Julia Child.  I'm just another Foreign Service wife who is looking for her place.  But, right now, I'm okay with that.  I hope my other FS spouses are too.

 

Wandering Around Tirana

So I've been walking a lot lately, when the weather's right.  I have this favorite little coffee shop right off of the compound, where the coffee is good and cheap and the service is always with a smile.  I guess it's the years I spent in the States buying $6 venti mochas at Starbucks, but I always pay $1 for my $.50 double espresso.  The couple that run the coffee shop are always happy to see me and would probably give me the coffee for free if I asked.  I look forward to my daily jaunts to that little coffee shop, and I'll usually stay long enough to read a chapter or so in whatever book I happen to be reading at the time.  As far as I know, that little cafe has no name, but the lady who runs it is always horrified when I order my coffee without milk.  Oftentimes, she'll put the coffee in front of me and say, "pak qumesht,"  meaning she put a "little milk" in it anyway.  I tried to get mad since I'm counting calories, but I have to love the cultural aspect of her doing exactly what she thinks I should have.  She's kind of like a mother hen, clucking at me that I need milk to help me grow big and strong.  Anyway, that's usually how I begin my walks.

I started this new fitness app called "Noom" that I use almost religiously.  It has a built-in pedometer that measures my steps (as long as I have my phone with me) and challenges me to walk so many steps each day.  My walks usually consist of me walking from our neighborhood to the Embassy and around it and back again.  I always wave to the guards, and they always wave back encouragingly.  I can't help but wonder if they think I'm a little "touched" because I just walk around in a circle and then head back toward home.

Then there are the long walks, the ones that take me across town to the various markets.  I have always had a friend or my husband with me for these walks, because (so far) I've been to chicken to go it alone.  Now, I want to stress that Tirana is a very safe place.  There's absolutely nothing to worry about when you're a woman alone here.  I feel safer here than I would ever feel walking alone in NOLA or Baton Rouge, and that's the truth.

One interesting cultural observation to make though is that the Albanians STARE at everyone.  They don't miss a thing and think nothing of it at all.  When I say they "stare," what I really mean is they absolutely gawk at everything.  It's the funniest thing, especially to the majority of us who grew up with our mothers whispering loudly in our ears to, "Stop staring; it's rude!!!"  My littlest guy is always asking me, "Mommy, why do the Albanians always look at us???"  That said, your culture is your culture.  I can't take offense to it, because we are but guests here.

Yesterday, the Embassy was closed for MLK Day, but the schools in Albania were open.  My husband I took the liberty of a day "date" and decided to walk to Madrese Market, which is probably a mile or so from our house.  The walk takes a good hour due to the condition of the roads and sidewalks and the large gaggles of girls who walk side-by-side without a care in the world.  Along the way, we stopped at a cafe for a coffee and a crepe.  After six months here, it's still amazing to me that two crepes and two coffees came to $4.20.

Our trip to Madrese Market had a purpose this time:  My husband is building me at ottoman for the living room, and we needed to find supplies!  Now, Madrese Market (I think that's how you spell it!) is a place where you can find almost anything--if you know where to look.  It consists of hundreds of stores both along the street and inside what Americans would call a giant, covered flea market.  I say, "flea market," but everything there is new.  You can get everything from underwear and socks to tuxedos to slingshots under one roof.  There are knock off purses, ties for $5 each, and row upon row of suits and sweaters.

The first stop was the section that sells fabric.  We looked far and long for the perfect upholstery fabric and finally found a sample of one that we both loved.  The woman told us that we should follow her to her "bigger" shop down the road so that she could get it for us and quoted us $7 per meter.  After following her there, we were told that they were out of that particular model.  Of course.  We continued on our way and looked in various and sundry stores for something similar, often meeting shop owners who were only to happy to have us there, speaking in broken English and Albanian.  Finally, we found a shop (booth would be a more accurate description) that had the exact same fabric we'd seen initially.  They quoted us $10 per meter, and we agreed to the price.  But, of course, the fabric wasn't there in the shop; so the shop owner's husband went off to the wholesaler to pick it up for us.

The next stop was the notions store, where one can find pretty much any kind of sewing supply imaginable EXCEPT for fabric.  The hubby and I looked at literally hundreds of different kinds of upholstery buttons until we found the ones I couldn't live without.  The prices are not to be believed; it's almost like getting something for free.  I had my hubby look up the word for "needle;" and between that word, lots of hand gestures and the phrase "for making a chair," we were able to get a huge upholstery needle that he needs to do the tufting on the ottoman.  Since I toy with bookbinding, I already have the thick, waxed linen thread that he needs to do the sewing.  We did, however, come up empty-handed when I asked if the store carried staple guns, which are apparently called, "pistolettes."  The shop keeper gave us jumbled instructions to a hardware and paint store a street over.

The paint store was great fun.  I'm a huge fan of the "distressed" look on furniture, and I am not to be deterred when looking for something I want (not even by my husband, who hates asking questions).  One big part of living overseas is not being afraid to ask questions, no matter how stupid you end up looking.  The man working in the paint store found us the perfect shade of black paint for the wooden part of the ottoman, but his face took on a befuddled look when I asked if they had crackle paint.  Ever resourceful, I used my smart phone to show him a picture of what I wanted; and his face lit up in recognition.  "Oh, crakele paint!  Yes, I have!"  I immediately turned to my husband and did the "I told you so" dance.  When I showed the shop keeper a picture of a staple gun, he said he didn't have it but that he could show us a place that did; so we took our fabric, buttons, and "crakele" paint and followed him out.  Of course, he took us right back to the sewing store where we'd just been; so we explained that they didn't have one either and thanked him for his time.

The next stop was for the padding (the cushion stuffing).  My goodness, how funny!  The man with the padding was simply a man on the street corner with stacks of what looked like foam mattresses; so we asked him for the thickest one.  He charged us $13 for it and tied it up with a piece of fabric.  He seemed so pleased to get the money, as they all did.  You never know if you're the only customer someone's gotten all day because they're all so darned appreciative of your business!

What we thought would be our final stop was another man on the side of the street selling sewing batting.  He had it stacked up (or so we thought) about two meters high.  We picked out the thickest one, and he told us that it was $4 per meter and then explained something else that we didn't understand.  My husband stated that he needed five meters of the stuff, and off they went to unroll this endless amount of batting.  Of course, he didn't have three separate stacks of batting tied up on top of each other; he'd been trying to tell us that the batting is two meters tall.  When my husband realized his mistake, he changed the amount to two meters rather than five.  That old man was so happy to have the business, and it must have taken the poor thing 15 minutes to unroll and cut our paltry two meters off.  He tipped his hat and sent us on our way.

Now, obviously, by this time we were absolutely loaded down to the gills and still on foot.  Thankfully, the temperature had dropped about 10 degrees; however, the sky was looking quite ominous.  See, the winters here are the rainy season; but this winter hasn't been very "rainy" so far.  For a country whose electricity comes from hydro power, the lack of rain has been a grave concern.  We started the long trek home but happened by a hardware store.  I dug out my trusty smartphone and showed the shop keeper the picture I had of a staple gun.  He jumped up and handed us one and then began looking for staples.  The total came to $16, and we started scrambling for change.  We got to about $14.50; and he waved us off, just thrilled to have the business.  I kept trying to explain that I knew I had enough coins in the bottom of my purse, but he was adamant: we had paid enough!

We ended up having to go the ATM anyway, though, because we decided to cab it home.  The cabbie was also thrilled for the fare and helped us put our many bags into the trunk.  He drove us all across town and charged us $5.  I know it adds up, but this country is cheap!

After dropping our packages at home, we realized we needed to eat lunch; so we went to our favorite little restaurant that's right across the street from the compound and feasted on octopus and arugula, fish soup, and seafood risotto.  Not ready for our day date to be over, we headed back into town to check out the Coin Building, a store that I'd never been in.  Now, there, the prices are anything but cheap.  All of the clothes are Armani and Guess and marked up exponentially; so all I left with was my pride.  We did, however, get to finish off our day with two pints of beer for $3 total.  Yes, I'd say our little walkabout was a great success!!!

The Grocery Lottery

Grocery shopping in Albania is kind of like playing the lottery:  You either win the jackpot or leave thinking about what you could have eaten if they'd only had (insert food product here).  Today's shopping experience was a great example, because Carre Four actually had hamburger buns and sliced white bread for the boys!  I swear I get an adrenaline rush when I find things like that.  I had the same thing happen the few times I found cilantro and corn tortillas.  My love affair with Latin food in well-known among my nearest and dearest, and I am always on the look out for the good stuff.  The first time I found cilantro in the store, I could feel myself starting to salivate, no kidding. That said, everything here is seasonal and organic; so you never know what you're going to get (and for how long).

Today, for the first time in months, the store also had blueberries.  My youngest son is a berry addict; so I went ahead and spent the 545 Lek ($5.45 about) for a cup of them.  I'm sure my husband will be peeved, but I never do that!  It's funny to live in a place where I've never seen an artichoke at the store but can find Pantene shampoo and Philadelphia cream cheese daily.  Aside from beauty products, American products are all but unattainable on the local market; and, when you can find them, you can expect to pay double.

I do love it here, though.  As I write this, I'm sitting outside in the gazebo on our compound--a little slice of 1950s-like Americana.  My house looks out at the mountains, and there are little stores outside the front and back gates.  Everyday foodstuffs are fresh and almost free, and I still get a little rush when the local grocer rings up my five bags of produce for about $8.  Yeah, Albania's a class act.

Stories of Foreign Service Life

I've written before about the quirky things that expats go through when moving around the world.  It's not easy to adapt to and eventually adopt: foreign languages, customs, food, etc., while trying to remain quintessentially "American" at home.  I know my little family has faced--and embraced--innumerable challenges during our three postings abroad; but I love the fact that we get to see how the world truly "works" in other places.

The truth is that no matter how long you spend in languages classes, no matter how much you research and ask about where you're going,  and no matter how many classes you take on the local culture; it's always going to be a huge learning curve when you finally get there.  I look back fondly on our first posting in Ecuador, because that was the largest learning curve I think I'll ever have to adjust to.  Six months of Spanish and Area Studies classes in no way prepared me for what I experienced there.  More than one person told me that "if the invitation says 7 PM, don't even think about showing up before 9 PM."  Boy, was that ever the truth.  I always showed up an hour before any of the guests did and took to stressing "tiempo Americano"--American time--whenever we had parties.  Then there were the parties that lasted until the sun came up.  We had more than one row with our neighbors over loud parties (I'm talking rattling walls) that lasted all night.  There were no traffic laws that were actually enforced.  People drove like maniacs, straddling lines or even putting three lines of traffic where there should only be two.  I didn't drive for a year; but once I did, I owned it!  Going back to the States was hard after Ecuador.  My husband and I had to get re-acclimated to traffic laws, waiting in lines, topics of conversation...  Then, of course, I had to get used to cleaning my own house again!

Canadian weather was something I never got used to, but I did learn to drive in the snow.  That's really an accomplishment for a girl from South Louisiana!  I'll admit that I did zero research on Canada before we got there, because I thought it'd be just like the United States.  How embarrassed was I when one of my husband's Canadian colleagues was talking about Stephen Harper, and I had no idea that the man was the Prime Minister!!!  I really put my foot in my mouth that time!  But, like I said; there's always a learning curve.

 I've heard so many stories from fellow Foreign Service families and expats all over the world, and I wanted to share some of them here.  I won't give names or even places (unless the writers do), but those back home might like to hear the funny stories from afar!  I'm simply going to copy and paste them below.

Our best story out of Barbados (and there were PLENTY) was signing up for our internet. You had to fax the application, at which point they told us they would send us a modem via DHL, and that would take 3-4 weeks. Keep in mind the island is TINY. When we asked if we could just come into the office to pick it up (they were walking distance down the road), they laughed and said they don't do it that way. Four weeks on the nose the modem showed up, and thankfully brought some of my sanity back with it.

Instead of handing cash to the service men to pay for repairs or service to our home we have to go to whatever bank they use (there are at least 6 local Thai banks) and make payment there and then bring back the receipt. Lots of account numbers floating around.

 In the Czech Republic I am continually shot glances of horror and yelled at by little old ladies for not dressing my girls in enough clothing during the "winter" months. It will be 55 outside and I am expected to have them in full snowsuits, two hats, gloves, scarf and inside their stroller blankets. I have never figured out what they add when it actually gets cold here. And heaven forbid you undress them inside the buildings that are set at 80! We sweat a lot here 

We're just about to leave and my husband has been pleading the internet service to send someone to collect our bill. We have been getting cable for two years and nobody's ever shown up to collect a dime. We don't even know much it's supposed to cost.

I was pulled over in the Philippines for making an illegal left hand turn. I tried to play the diplomat card as it often works but this time he wasn't budging. I gave him a sincere look and told him it promise I would never do it again. He then pulled out a pocket notebook and told me to "write my promise" and sign my name. I wrote down that I promise I would never turn illegally again and signed it. He read it over and sent me on my way. I kept my promise 

I laugh remembering the special privileges we get sometimes. One time I has a persistent cough in Italy. My local doc made arrangements for me at the x-ray clinic, where you often have to wait weeks for an appointment. That same day I went to the clinic, told the receptionist my name. She went back, got some expediter guy who put me in the front of the (long!) paperwork line, then they brought me around to the examining rooms past walls filled with waiting patients and directly to the open machine. All the time calling me La Signora Della Consulata Americana. I felt like a queen for a day! (PS, x-ray in doc's office next morning)

In Botswana, the ladies at the grocery store checkouts refused to sell anything to you if there was no pricetag on it. They would refuse to even ask a manager about it. It was just: nope, ain't gonna happen. It was heartbreaking during those times when you're pretty sure you've discovered, for example, the very last box of graham crackers on the continent. With no price tag.

In Pakistan you HAD to pay bills in cash. Not credit card. I'd feel like a mobster carrying large paper bags full of stacks of money for large purchases! 

Having blonde kids in the Middle East is incredibly entertaining too. We'd go to the sites to photograph ourselves with the relics, but it seemed that the locals would go to the sites and photograph themselves with our kids! When the kids were little, everyone wanted to touch their hair and kiss their cheeks too. And the folk all honestly love all kids. They really find joy in them and in sharing family photos with strangers. When we'd go out to dinner in Pakistan, the waiters would just hover at the table for the first sign of a wiggle or squeak from the baby (this was when it was a family post) and they'd swoop down and carry him off! I'd see them carry him all over the restaurant... we'd eventually get him back at the register on the way out. 

Oh... and that briefing we all get about cultural sensitivities, not discussing inflammatory topics like religion, politics, or personal stuff like families? WE get that briefing... the locals do not. Most places I've been, Egypt in particular, EVERYBODY wants your opinion on all of this stuff and even if you aren't asking, they will TELL you how many kids you should have and how you should be looking for a husband/wife if you aren't married, and who did you vote for anyway?? And you better have photos to share when they pull theirs out (because they will!) . 

My oldest daughter was born when we were in the Philippines, and was quite a hit with the locals. The staff at a restaurant printed up a little certificate with her name that said "Cutest Baby of The Day" when we took her out to lunch with us one day when she was about 9 months old. Another time a woman came up to us at the Mall of Asia and said, "He looks like Jesus" then touched the baby's foot and crossed herself. So weird on so many levels!

Our son was 13 months old when we moved to Italy. The first time we went out to dinner, one of the waiters grabbed him and paraded him around -- including disappearing into the kitchen for several minutes so the cooks could admire him, too.

In contrast to the Czech Republic, here in Norway everyone thinks babies sleep best for naps out in the fresh air (I think it's true in all of Scandinavia and Iceland). It has to be more than -15 celsius before anyone will think twice about not napping outside. Which leads to (I kid you not!) lines of prams outside restaurants and coffeehouses all with napping kiddos inside while Mom or Dad is inside! But they are all cozied up in wool and down and sleep like angels, so they must be on to something... I need to get a picture to document it!

A few weeks ago we were down at the Muttrah Corniche and one of the boys was being a jerk to his brothers and got sent back tot he car. We were not far away, in eye shot and certainly in hearing distance. We turned around around and realized problem child had become a minor tourist attraction. Blond kiddo leaning against the car sulking is apparently not something you see everyday around here. Poor thing.

 Russians have very different ideas about medicine. One day while I was out of town, my husband came home to find our 3-year-old son bundled up in winter clothing inside the house, with the heat on, in July. He asked the nanny why and she said she was pretty sure our son had a urinary tract infection because he'd peed in his pants. Since I wasn't around she called our local part-time post doctor, who said this was the way to get rid of a UTI. Of course my son didn't actually have a UTI, but for the rest of the summer I couldn't convince the nanny to let my son wear sandals outside unless he had socks on, to prevent any future UTIs.

All of these stories are wonderful. We're loving Albania, but my best story so far happened tonight: I found a live slug in my take out salad. I may never eat again.

I can recall trying to set up a phone at our home in Italy. First of all, "store hours" are like stop signs over there. A mere suggestion. As we only had one vehicle at the time, I'd make arrangements to hitch a ride or bike into town and find that the although the sign SAID open 10-12 and 4-5 (wish I was kidding!), they had often already knocked off for the day by 11. When I finally DID get to talk to someone, I was informed that only my husband was allowed to open the account. Being a young, independent woman, this bothered me very much. All in all, it took us the better part of 8 weeks to get a phone hooked up. Good gravy! This was over 10 years ago though so maybe it has changed.

 Another funny that I recall from Italy. My good friend had imported their GINORMOUS vehicle (a Denali as I recall). As the roads were very narrow, we often had to plan our routes carefully. We were going shopping one day in a new village and literally got stuck between two buildings on either side of the road. Stuck. Like knocked off the side mirrors, couldn't open our doors, had to crawl out the back of the vehicle. That was a hoot.

Brazil was a dream with kids. Almost every restaurant comes with a playground and lots of love from the wait staff. My daughter decided at our favorite Arabic place that she didn't want the usual hummus and pita. Before we knew it, she had 3 kinds of juice, a chocolate bar, and French fries. We didn't ask for any of it and weren't charged for any of it either. The owner ( who has 5 kids of his own) just wanted her to be happy. I'm so happy that my kids are so loved abroad. I feel compelled to warn them about crabby child hating adults in the US.

When I lived in Mauritius, I was informed that should I accidentally strike a pedestrian (roads were very narrow, no shoulder, so going through villages, there were many people on the roads) I should NOT stop, just continue to drive to the local police station as I would likely be mobbed and killed if I stopped. As a result, I used a taxi service every. single. day. Until one night, I was leaving a dinner party and was the only sober person so was asked to drive. I was mortified. I hit the round about gong the wrong way, I white knuckled the whole drive. Keep in mind that I had two drunk World Bank guys--one from Syria, one from France--both singing-- in the back seat and it was 3am. But I think I drove about 5mph through each village just in case. I only drove twice the ENTIRE time I lived there. LOL I didn't want to be mobbed and killed. My fear of driving around people has persisted in the years since.

 I used to live in Indonesia. In Jakarta, people were generally used to foreigners (i.e. blondes) but outside of the capital and Bali, not so much. I was traveling in East Java at some temple sites when I was approached by a pregnant local woman who asked me to bless her baby. I stopped for a moment, not sure how to respond, then I placed one hand on her belly and rose my other hand to the sky and I hummed. I told her I wished her baby all the best and she thanked me profusely.

 I also used to live in rural Japan and was asked by a friend to help her husband's band with the pronunciation of some Beatle's songs they would be singing at a wedding. At the first practice session, I kept trying to get them to pronounce the "r"s when they came upon the idea that I could sing those songs with them at the wedding - before they had even heard me sing. Believe me, no one in their right mind would ask me to be the front woman for their band! I am tone deaf. But there I was a few weeks later singing in a band at a wedding. I even have a video tape of it! I sometimes refer to my time in Japan as my "band years".

While in Tunis I was followed back to my car by two giggly cashiers, one very pregnant. They wanted the mama to be to look at my blue eyes so that her baby could have blue eyes. I got the feeling they didn't believe it would work, but wanted to give it a try just in case.

 While in the UK, I was still in the Army, an NCO and female.. meaning I was a 'girl' from 'the colonies' to be teased mercilessly by my UK peers. Of course, being teased meant that I had friends, because they wouldn't tease people that they didn't like, but it was a challenge at times and very different from the more professional working environment I was used to. I had one civilian guy who used to call me 'sweetheart', 'love' and 'girlie', etc. instead of my name and rank... and it drove my command batty, but he only did it because he actually liked and respected me and we worked well together. 

I was sent down TDY to Wales to work with a unit there, and there were only 3 of us Americans, against all of them... and I was still the only girl. I had to hold my own on the range, in a batting cage(!), and behind the wheel of whatever vehicle they could throw at me. I hit those darn baseballs, I hit every target with every weapon they handed me (I even shot skeet for the first time in my life), and while driving their tank was fun, it was driving the SUV with the left hand drive that I felt most proud of. They put me in the driver's seat... continuing to tease and try to get me worried about the cost of the thing. I rev'ed the engine and asked if they were ready? The one guy leered at me and said sure, and you're sure you know what you're doing, right? I looked him in the eye and answered truthfully.. 'Nope. I've never driven left hand standard before'... then before he could say anything else, I popped it into gear and took off. I upheld bragging rights for us American ladies very well, thank you! ... That evening, they bought me a pint at the pub instead of a half pint... That was an unforgettable cultural experience!

In Syria, my neighbor thought I was pregnant (I was not). She asked my husband if I was pregnant, and he was so embarrassed he just laughed it off, which she took as confirmation. Several months later she asked me when the baby was due. Much confusion ensued. When the dust had settled and we worked out that she'd been mistaken, she laughed and said, "So it isn't true what we say in Syria -- when a woman's ass if fat, she's having a baby..." We all laughed until we cried.

Nick happily took many a nap bundled up outside in Iceland. When we first arrived there, we couldn't fathom leaving our child outside in a stroller. By the time the LG arrived, I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't nap outside. We would take long walks, I'd return home and let him finish his nap bundled up outside in his stroller. He was nice and warm in everything from tights to blankets (loved those from du pareil au meme), and had the best naps in the nice cool air. Though he no longer needed tons of blankets, we continued the outdoor napping tradition when we moved to California. I'd go for long walks, he'd fall asleep and he'd sleep outside for a good hour or two with the white noise of the birds and wind keeping him sound asleep. Sadly, not sure I have any pictures....

 At the end of our tour in Mongolia, the landlord of our housing complex invited us and a couple of other families to travel to her home village with her family about 200 miles from UB. We all took off and at the last town where the roads were paved and there was a proper gas station, her husband came up to us and asked how big our gas tank was. We told him, and he said "you may not have a enough gas to get there and back." At which point he jumped in his car and the convoy took off! I was a nervous wreck the entire weekend thinking we would be stranded out in the middle of Mongolia (we had to leave a day earlier than everyone else) with no language skills and no gas.

 In the Dominican Republic, it is very common for stores to not have change. So, if you make a purchase with cash, your change may include 3 pieces of bubble gum, a newspaper, or whatever other random item is handy to the cashier.