Global Bayou Girl: Making Friends and French Cooking in Budapest

Making friends in this lifestyle (the Foreign Service lifestyle) just isn't easy. And, like making friends anywhere, it gets harder as we get older. Now, don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean we are lonely people or that we don't have friends; because that just isn't true. But the truth is that your relationships and relationship-making skills do suffer when you move from place to place every couple of years like we do. And, after a while, you can find yourself just completely ambivalent about starting the whole process over again. My husband and I have to try very hard not to get completely ambivalent about making new friends. One really interesting part of this lifestyle is that entire process. In our old life, friendships happened completely organically. Where I grew up in Louisiana, most of the people I knew had had the same friends since before Kindergarten, and they're still best friends. Those friends you made as an adult you met in college, through other friends, at bars, at their kids' schools, etc. That isn't really so in the FS. The majority of people we make friends with (in my experience) are other Foreign Service Officers and their families. When new people arrive, they attend community events and sort of look for their tribe. There's a sense of "can we be friends" when you are introducing yourselves to people. You try to see if there are enough similar interests to warrant a play date or an invitation to drinks. Sometimes you find an immediate kindred spirit; sometimes it's like crickets chirping and tumble weeds blowing across the open plains. At present, we are somewhere in between the two and kind of waiting to see what happens.

I have had some incredible friends in this lifestyle. Some (though not many) I know I could call on anywhere in the world if I needed help, and they know they could do the same with me. Some were amazing friends whom I just lost touch with but still love dearly. Some I've had falling outs with over the years and we chose to lose touch with one another. Most of the friends I had before we joined the Foreign Service aren't really still friends anymore. This lifestyle doesn't promote very healthy relationships outside of those in one's immediate household, and that's the sad truth of it. We're just too far away, and the world doesn't wait for us back home.

The number and types of friends one makes in the FS can vary from post to post and depends on the type of community and security situation in each host country. For instance, when we arrived at our first post in Ecuador, my husband was one of 14 American officers in our mission there. Security was a very big issue, and many places and situations were just unsafe; so people had a lot of parties and get-togethers. We had happy hours and play dates and all stayed pretty close to home. This created a pretty tight-knit community of Americans and local staff. Many of us bonded out of necessity rather than a genuine kinship, and that's perfectly acceptable under those types of circumstances.

Our second posting in Canada was extremely safe, and the number of officers was in the hundreds. We absolutely disappeared in our community and only had a few American friends. Now, this doesn't mean that we disliked people or didn't get along with them. What it means is that because it was so safe and the mission was so big, families just tended to "do their own thing" during the weekends. There weren't many house parties or play dates because we didn't have to rely on each other as much for safety and entertainment. My husband and I made friends with our Canadian neighbors (we never even learned our Ecuadorian neighbors' names but had an ongoing feud with them over their noise levels and all-night parties) and were genuinely devastated that we had to move away from them at the end of our tour. It's hard to think that we may never see them again after sharing so many experiences and fond memories together. That is a definite down side of this lifestyle: We leave so very many people behind.

Making friends in Albania was kind of a "ready made" thing because we lived on an all-American compound. Our kids had 20+ kids to hang out with on any given day, and we were surrounded by all different personality types from which to initiate friendships. Our mission was smaller than Canada but bigger than Ecuador, but we all got along for the most part. People entertained at home and met for dinner and drinks at the many incredible restaurants and bars. Some had house parties; some had wine tastings. What I like about smaller posts (and, yes, "hardship" posts), is that there is always this sense of "We're all in this together." No, we may not always like every single person. We may despise a couple of people. We might have personality conflicts or work conflicts and the like. But, as I've said before, when it "hits the fan," you know that all of these people are in it with you.

This is our fourth tour with the Foreign Service, and there is a brand new friendship-making hurdle to deal with. Our post here is much bigger than in Albania (Hey, it's a major European capital!), and we live in a small apartment building miles away--and a 45 minute commute--from anything remotely resembling city life. I'm pretty much the only person in my building who is home all day, and my kids are in a school that is a 45 minute drive away from home. And, because of the State Department hiring freeze, I'm not able to work at the present time, though I am trying to find something on the open market. So, here I am all alone for nine hours a day and trying to find myself and my new friend group all over again.

I don't believe I speak just for myself when I say that people in the FS have to sort of reinvent ourselves with every posting, because we pretty much do. Every single aspect of our lives changes: the place changes, the situation changes, the culture changes; so we have to become completely different people to adapt to all of those changes. I am in the process of reinventing myself here in Budapest. This is the first time as an adult I'm increasing my peer group/friend group through use of the internet (and no I am not using Tinder or Bumble haha). I've been actively using FB groups as a way to meet new people, and it's been going pretty well so far, though it's not something that just comes naturally to me.

Meeting people and joining groups is not something I truly like doing, though they're wonderful for one's mental health. I'm slightly introverted and terrible at small talk because I find it to be extremely tedious. Attending cocktail parties and receptions for my husband's work are really difficult for me to get through, but I do all right with them. That said, meeting people online and then just up and attending an event with them is something I never really saw myself doing, especially not at this age.

Before we left for Budapest, I asked on one of my expat/travel groups if anyone lived here. One woman responded that she was moving in a few weeks and that she had two boys as well. Fast forward a couple of months, and we set up a play date. Not only are our children the same age, but they were also set to attend the same school! Inspired by that, I joined several more FB groups, including a book club for women expats here. I've met several people that way and am able to explore philanthropic pursuits as well. I feel lucky, even though I am still a bit out of my element. I keep wondering to myself, "Will this ever get easier? Will this always feel like work?" The truth is, the answer is "yes" to both questions. It is what it is. Sometimes it will happen organically; sometimes a posting will just be a posting. I'm pretty undecided about what this one will be like.

That said, getting out of my comfort zone did help me to have one of the best experiences I've had in Budapest so far: French cooking class! I met (online), of all people, another Louisiana native who is living here; and she invited to me to a pie making class. I was super nervous, but I'd never made a pie from scratch before; so I signed up. One hour, two buses, one tram ride, and a walk in the mud later (thanks Google), I arrived at a house. I was petrified that maybe I was at the wrong place because there were no other cars there. Imagine not speaking the language and knocking on (maybe) the wrong door. I didn't even know how to explain myself if a Hungarian answered the door; so I just waited outside for someone else to show up. This absolute stranger pulls up in her car and then asks me in French if I am there for the cooking class. I replied that, yes, I was there for a class and then apologized for my awful French. We both wondered if we were at the wrong address before just walking up and knocking on the door. It was another totally Foreign Service experience that I will always remember and always be thankful that I had. I had no idea what to expect; so imagine my surprise when two smiling French ladies answered the door! It was an incredibly fun day of cooking and conversation, and I will never forget it. I've included pictures of what we made below.

All this to say that a lifestyle where you pick up everything and move to a different country every two or three years is not an easy one. There are no guarantees other than the fact that you will have to get used to changes, and you will have to be open to new experiences. That is what my husband and I signed up for, and we are still glad we did. Sometimes, you're going to love everything about a place. Sometimes, you won't. Sometimes, you'll meet incredible people and make life-lasting friendships. Sometimes, you won't. As for this time and this place, the verdict is still out; and that is absolutely OK. Regardless of what happens, we're having a good time. We're having new and exciting experiences. And it's still worth it.

Roasted Pepper and Tapenade Tart