Foreign Service Spouses

Most people don't understand how impressive and how integral a part of this lifestyle Foreign Service spouses are.  Honestly, I take it for granted too.  So many of these people--more often than not they are women--give up so much to take this on.  From what I've seen, I am more the exception than the rule.  I never had a career of my own.  I was so young when my husband joined the FS, that I'd never had the time to build my own life outside the home.  I was in Stenography school when we met and married; and, regrettably, I never finished.  Most of the time, I'm not sure if that's been a hindrance or a gift.  I never knew what it was like to leave a career and a life I loved so that I could be a "trailing spouse."  Rather, I decided that I'd build my own life around my husband's job.  So far, that's worked just fine for us; but there are many people who are in a very different boat.

 Now, the State Department has jobs for what they call "Tandem Couples," where both spouses are FS officers.  They work together (usually in different sections of a consulate or embassy), they bid for jobs together, and they may or may not end up in the same postings together.  There are many of these couples who spend months or years apart so that they can both be working at the same time.  Now, to be fair, I want to say that State does do its best to post tandem couples together; however, nothing is ever guaranteed.  Many of my friends are successful tandem couples, and the system has worked well for them in almost all of their tours.  That said, I know many couples who WANT to be tandems but one spouse hasn't passed the written or oral tests to get in.  That can be very frustrating for both the couple and the ambitiously unemployed spouse.  I took the written test and (barely) passed it; however, I was not invited to the orals.  While frustrating for me personally, I decided that I didn't want to apply again yet, as being separated from my husband for any length of time would be unacceptable for me.  Basically, I didn't want to take the chance.  That said, what works for me doesn't necessarily work for everyone else; and the State Department knows that.  

The State Department has some wonderful programs for spouses.  There are jobs that are designated just for us, and we're able to obtain competitive salaries, full benefits, and even retirement through most of them.  I recently learned about another program, EPAP (Expanded Professional Associates Program), that helps spouses with advanced degrees find jobs within the State Department.  These jobs are few in number but seem to be quite high in both pay and, honestly, respect.  I went to an information session about the program a few days ago, and I must say that I was quite impressed by my peers.  In this particular meeting, all of the attendees were women; so I will be speaking entirely about female spouses for the rest of this blog entry. 

Those women were so impressive!  When we are all asked about our skills and degrees, I was astounded by the number of women who hold Masters Degrees, those who have worked for NGOs, and by those who have just fought for years to be treated as equals to their spouses.  Many of these women worked in NGOs before they were married; some of these women found jobs with NGOs in their country of residence during an overseas posting.  Many of these women had real careers that they loved--often paying them six-figure salaries--but quit to follow their husbands' dreams.  These women are an almost untapped resource, a wealth of knowledge and diversity; and many of them are from other countries around the world.  These women speak multiple languages (I'm talking three or more) and have had experiences one can only dream of.  I followed my husband so that I could have these experiences with him, but I find it fascinating that so many of my peers had them on their own and through their own doing.  I'm proud of these women.  I'm proud that our officers are married to them.

So let's talk for a minute about what the life of a FS spouse consists of, shall we?  I read a former trailing spouse's blog entry the other day, and it inspired me to write this entry.  I may repeat much of most of what this woman states, but I'll say it anyway.  Here it is: http://cheeseweb.eu/2014/01/7-guilty-secrets-trailing-spouses/ .  Just as an aside, I will be describing things I've done and things I've heard from other spouses.  

FS spouses, both employed within their posts and the unemployed, have very difficult jobs.  Sure, many of us have household help.  In fact, my husband and I had a full-time staff when we lived in Ecuador.  That is an absolute perk of living overseas in countries where it's affordable.  I know many FS families with cooks, drivers, maids, and nannies; but even with all that, our "jobs" can be very difficult.  These "jobs" also vary not only from post to post, but they also vary according to the spouse's rank of importance within the mission.  I've known spouses that had full-time jobs in an embassy who would then have to go home and have dinner parties for high-ranking foreign officials.  While this is indeed impressive, it's also a lot of work! 

I think the most stressful times for FS spouses are the time periods between bidding and three to six months after arriving at the new posting.  When we got the bid list in Canada, I immediately started a spreadsheet.  We wanted a place with: affordable household help, somewhere safe for the kids, good housing, potential job opportunities for me, ability to travel often and to afford it, somewhere with a bit of a hardship differential (which means more money b/c it's not an "easy" place to live for the typical American), a good post size, good weather, etc.  Well, I looked up all of that information for each country we were interested in going to; and I presented it to my husband.  We went over everything, weighing the good against the bad, and decided on Albania.  The choice wasn't easy, I'll admit.  There was one place that was on an island in the Pacific that was like a 35% hardship differential, a Cost of Living Adjustment (COLA) that was high, and it offered an SND package (more money for agreeing to stay for a third year).  We thought long and hard about accepting an offer at that post, but I was the one who chickened out at the last minute.  I was afraid it'd be "too hard" for us.  Granted, we could have stayed three years and bought a house the minute we left; however, I was just not in favor of being so far away from my family and having my kids on anti-malarial medication  for three years.  But, now that it's all said and done, we absolutely made the right choice.  Albania is a perfect fit for our family, and we couldn't be happier here.  So we decided to BID on Albania, but it doesn't mean they had to hire my husband.  He lobbied long and hard for his position, and we were thrilled that it was a good fit.

Next came preparing for the move.  If a spouse wants to take language, they have to contact the department and ask for it.  Language is given if a FS officer doesn't need the spot.  Some spouses get lucky, and other ones wind up with zero language.  The scheduling is done months in advance.  I put my name on the list for Albanian about eight months before we even left Canada.    Again, I got lucky that an officer didn't need my spot, and I was able to get about four months of an eleven month course.  

Spouses are almost always in charge of moves because the officer is so busy getting his or her outgoing stuff done at work.  I mean, you can just clear out your desk and call it a day.  There are courtesy calls to make to contacts, numerous forms to fill out, one's actual JOB to do, etc.  So the spouse is usually at home preparing the family for the move.  Congress has a mandated "Home Leave" program, where officers and their families must return to the U.S. for a certain amount of work days in between postings.  The packing involved is horrendous.  One has to take many things into consideration: the difference in weather between home leave and next posting to pack clothes; any pets and where they're going to stay; toys for the kids (it takes weeks and/or months to get your Household Effects to a new post); shipping one's car; vaccines needed for post; medical clearance updates; copies of health records, school records, spouse's employment records; passport photos for foreign I.D.s; visas for post country; civilian and diplomatic passports;what goes into storage for two or three years vs. what follows you to post; giving away toys and clothes the kids will outgrow between home leave, training, and arrival at post; etc.  

The logistics are endless, and you are pretty much on your own.  Movers show up ready to work; and you better have your suitcases packed for home leave and piles in different rooms for storage, household effects for the next post, and your 700 or so pounds of UAB (unaccompanied baggage) separated.  I can't tell you how many of our things are in storage now that I wanted to have in Albania.  I can't tell you how many things we had to give away, donate, and/or sell after our year in training b/c we were "overweight."  Our whole lives revolve around how much our goods weigh.  That's why I stopped buying books and use a Kindle.  

You'd like to think that once the "move" is over, the spouse's job is done.  Yeah, we wish!  Next, comes school enrollment, unpacking, setting up house, starting over from scratch in a pantry and fridge, networking, learning the language, learning one's way around, learning "how it's done" wherever you are, making friends, adjusting everyone to jet lag, setting up cable and/or internet, learning how to dial the embassy, learning about the security situation at post, getting the kids settled, getting checked into the health unit, dealing with culture shock, and dealing with new currencies.  The spouses are at home doing all of this, while the officer walks into a ready-made position, office, community, etc.  That is the easy part.  Then, they get to come home to chaos.  

Now, all of the things I've mentioned above are the "norm."  This is what a spouse in a happy marriage and normal, everyday kids deals with and who is happy to be at  a particular posting.  Some FS families have unhappy marriages, kids with special needs, and/or dislike where they've been assigned; so they have to deal with many more hardships than someone like me would have.   A good friend of mine had to deal with cholera in the water at one of her posts.  Try bathing a baby safely while dealing with that!  It can always be worse.  It can always be better.

Do we all know what we signed up for?  Yes.  Did most of us realize what we signed up for? Absolutely not.  All I knew was that I wanted to travel the world and get paid to do it and that I was lucky enough to  marry a man who wanted the same things.  Did I realize it would entail all this work?  Nope.  Did I realize that I would have to do all of the above every two or three years and find a way to keep my family happy?  No.  Did I realize that I'd have to keep a constant wardrobe of suits, ball gowns, and cocktail dresses with matching shoes and jewelry ready at all times?  No.  But am I sorry?  No.  Do I regret any of it? No.  Do I dislike some of it?  Yes.  Everyone does.  It is what you make of it.  

We FS spouses are amazing and prepared for almost anything.  Sometimes, we get what we signed up for; sometimes--oftentimes--we don't.  It is what you make of it, and you get what you put in to it.  I am a very proud and happy FS wife.  I am currently and, regrettably, unemployed.  I am, in essence, a housewife in a foreign country.  I have a housekeeper twice a week and a babysitter whenever we want to go out.  At present, we live paycheck to paycheck; but it's always getting better.  It is not all cocktail parties and nightlife; but it isn't all doom and gloom either.  I'm proud of my fellow trailing spouses.  As far as I'm concerned, we are an integral part of the FS community.  We made our choices, and most of us are very happy with them.  I've met a head of state, the current Secretary of State, Ambassadors, Senators, a former 4-star General, etc.  I've had a lot of fun.  That said, I am not Jackie Kennedy; and I am not Julia Child.  I'm just another Foreign Service wife who is looking for her place.  But, right now, I'm okay with that.  I hope my other FS spouses are too.